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Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention, please
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
Or ought not to be there
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle, marvelous, rare
Gentleman, you are about to see something
Wot rose from the dead
On the top of my head

TOBY & ENSEMBLE
T'was Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick sir
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir
Ought to do

TOBY
How about a bottle mister
Only costs a penny guaranteed
Does Pirelli's
Stimulate the growth, sir
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulatin', i'nt
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week

TODD
Pardon me ma'm what's that awful stench

MRS. LOVETT
Are we standing near an open trench

MRS. LOVETT said with Sweeney
Pardon me sir what's that awful stench

TODD said with Lovett
Must be standing near an open trench

TOBY
Buy Pirelli's
Miracle Elixir
Anything more slick, sir, soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls
Wanna buy a bottle misses

TODD
What is this

MRS. LOVETT
What is this

TODD
Smells like piss

MRS. LOVETT
Smells like, ew

TODD said with Lovett
What is this This is piss. piss with ink

MRS. LOVETT said with Sweeney
I wouldn't touch it if i was you, dear

TOBY
Let pirelli's activate your roots, sir

TODD
Keep it off your boots, sir, eats right through

TOBY
Yes get pirelli's use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it

MRS. LOVETT
Flies do too